Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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