He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
