He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
