I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
