We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize