Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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