i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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