just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
