saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have fence marks all over my body
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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