woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
how drunk are you?
Several
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
