I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
