dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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