when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
