you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize