The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
