eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
