my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
