He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize