Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
