i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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