This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
