I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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