If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
