did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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