I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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