I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
