I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
