I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
