You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
