is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
