I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
