she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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