I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
