dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This is classic penis vs brain.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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