ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
