break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
