my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
