bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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