There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
