...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
