i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize