Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize