This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize