i love accidental penises.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize