Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
