I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
