thus making me awesome and them whores
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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