I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
