This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize