just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
