You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
