a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We don't watch enough power rangers
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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