3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
