can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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