Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
