He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize