Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
