So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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