***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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