That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize