The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had to cum in my sink.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dear god my vagina.
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