Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Drake has all the answers
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
