I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
