I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize