I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
