a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
